Dear Fanfiction Writers,
by Victoria618
Summary: Several thoughts and complaints written by the cast of "Naruto". Warning: may be brutally honest. Note: I was inspired by some of the other versions, and I wanted to try my own. This is by no means to offend anyone, just for light-hearted giggles and reality check.
1. Sincerly, Naruto Uzumaki

Natsumi Kagami, or otherwise known as the "messenger", assessed the room of gathered characters. This time, it was from the manga series, _Naruto_. Natsumi was known for collecting all letters written by characters, more specifically, the complaints of the characters. These letters would be delivered and posted so that all writers of the fandom could see.

The purple-haired woman decided to first give the clipboard and pen to the hyperactive, orange ninja; Uzumaki Naruto. The boy wanted to go first, but that was not because of him wanting to write his thoughts out. No, he hated writing long papers. It had more so do with the promise of Ichikaru's ramen and learning how to create an even bigger rasengan.

Naruto eagerly grabbed the clipboard from Natsumi and began to write.

_Dear Fanfiction Authors, _

_First of all, I am flattered that all of you want to write about me and my awesome journey as to becoming an super strong shinobi. I will be Hokage, believe it! However, while some of your stories were pretty cool, there were some that left me disappointed. Let me start off with saying, I AM NOT INLOVE WITH SASUKE! I know I want to bring him back and I have practically made it a mission, but its because he is my friend! Even if he was a girl, I still wouldn't date him. Nope, No, Nadda, not in a million years! I am straight, you know, I love Sakura-chan, but Hinata-chan is also sounding pretty good these days. She is less violent and scary that Sakura. But really, those are the only girls I can see myself paired with. I hardly know Ino and TenTen. Tsunade is old and that is just gross on so many levels, Shizune is older than me and is like a sister, and I am sure Temari is with Shikamaru. Also, who are all these random girls who happen to be living with me and love ramen as well? Last time I checked, teams can only have three genin. Anyways, I promised Sakura I would bring Sasuke (And kick his sorry butt!) I do not swing that way! Just because we made a good team, does not mean that we had any feelings for each other, I mean sheesh! Can't two guys be friends without being shipped? And since we are the topic, I do not LIKE Shikamaru, Neji, Kiba (don't even get me started on that guy), Rock lee, Gaara, or Kakashi-Sensei! Ew, why would I want to be shipped with my own teacher? That is just sick and illegial. Or even worse when its Itachi or Madara (the only time I would go near that guy is if I get kick his butt back to the dead world) or my OWN DAD. Teme, you guys are gross. I swear, just because I am the main character, I am paired with everyone. Speaking of my dad, why is he always portrayed as being abusive? Last time I checked, he loved me and sacrificed his life for me! _

_Also speaking of family, who are all these long lost sisters? The point of my childhood and what made it so tragic—thus making the man I am today—was that it was lonely. Having a sibling completely defeats the purpose of that, you know. And another thing, I am not a complete idiot who eats nothing but ramen. Sure, I am not as smart as Shikamaru or even TenTen, but I am not stupid to the point of shouting out random things or doing incredibly illogical things. I can figure things out on my own at times, you know. _

_Well, that is all that I have to say, and I might stay away from this site for bit, but good luck writing! And for those awesome writers? Keep on doing your thing! _

_-Naruto Uzumaki (The Next Hokage.)_


	2. Sincerely, Sasuke Uchiha

Naruto handed the clipboard back to Natsumi and nodded. Natsumi looked it over—wincing slightly at some grammar mistakes—and unclipped the page, placing it in the finished box.

"You are free to go, Naruto." Natsumi told the boy.

"Alright! It feels great getting that off my chest!" Naruto exclaimed. "Can I get my ramen now?"

"Of course," Natsumi said, directing him to the exit.

And with that the blonde sprinted out of the doorway and made a beeline for his favourite restaurant/stand.

"How cute….and annoying," Natsumi mused, now checking her list. "Let's see….who is next…..ah, Uchiha Sasuke."

The raven-haired boy scowled a bit. He did not want to waste any precious time writing this stupid letter—he had more important tasks to take care of! Ah to the hell with it, he might as well make this worth while, considering that Natsumi would not let him leave.

"Here you go Sasuke, remember, this is a complaint letter to the fangirls/authors, not a report on your desires for vengeance and how tragic your childhood was," Natsumi reminded him.

"I know that," The Uchiha snapped, snatching the clipboard and pen out of Natsumi's hands, and began to write.

_Listen up Fanfiction authors, _

_I am going to make this sweet and short—unlike Naruto, who probably sugar coated his letter. I do not know what some of you are smoking, but these awful stories need to stop or else I will take vengeance on them. First off, what the hell is quote-NaruSasu-quote? I am not gay, and if even I did swing that way, I would rather relive the massacre than be with that orange idiot. Just because we worked decently together, does not mean we are fucking each other. On another note, my time with Orochimaru was not what everyone makes it out to be. He made me more powerful, and when he could not be anymore useful, I killed him. Besides, the Uchiha is the most noble of clans, I would not want my body to be a host for someone as unworthy as Orochimaru. _

_My second goal was to revive my clan, so how would being gay make any biological sense? I mean even though I do not like being shipped with Karin and as creepy as she is, I would rather have that then….Naruto. I mean isn't that what you fanfic writers are supposed to do, enhance the story? Sakura is not too bad and has been a lot better since her useless, fangirl days, but I still can't get over that pink-hair. Also who is Hinata? And that girl on Rock lee's team? Oh god, do not get me started on Ino. And who are these girls who act and look exactly like me, claiming to be my soulmate? I think I would rather pluck out my own eyes then read those fanfics again. I swear, I wish Itachi left one female survivor. _

_Speaking of survivors who the hell are all these random Uchiha girls or long lost sisters? Get it through your thick skulls, I only have one brother and I was the only survivor left of the Uchiha clan massacre besides my brother and Obito. Key word: ONLY SURIVOR. The point was that I had a very lonely and dark childhood after the matter. _

_Secondly, I may be fixated on my goals of vengeance, but you would be as well if everyone in your family was murdered by the person you trusted the most. Although my vengeance, after finding out Konoha forced Itachi to do it, is now directed at Konoha, it still hurt…a lot, to witness it all happen. Not only that, but all the deception drove me insane. _

_Learn how to write and how to get my character right or don't even bother at all. _

_-Sasuke Uchiha_

* * *

**I think I made Sasuke a bit OOC'd because he isn't really the type to confess his emotions in such away. Ah, oh well, I tried. Next Up will be Sakura, then Kakashi, and then I will leave it open for you guys in the reviews to decide on who you want next. **


	3. Sincerely, Sakura Haruno

Sasuke handed the clipboard back to Natsumi. The purple-haired lady scanned it over, smirking at some parts. Honestly, she expected Sasuke to write only a couple of sentences before excusing himself, but this was better than what she expected. He could have been nicer though, but what can you expect? Its Sasuke and getting him to write the letter was a tough task to do.

Without evening waiting for Natsumi's approval, Sasuke got up and started heading for the exit.

"Wait! Sasuke! I didn't even stamp it with the approval stamp!" Natsumi cried out.

"Hn, I already did what you asked me to do. Personally, I do not care whether you like it or not, I am leaving," Sasuke said, walking out the door.

Natsumi sighed and tossed the Uchiha's letter into the finished box before turning back to her list.

"Haruno Sakura?" Natsumi called out.

A pretty, pink-haired girl stood up and walked towards Natsumi.

Natsumi handed her the clipboard. "Its your turn to write your letter, Sakura."

Sakura nodded. "Thank you Natsumi-san, I will try to be quick". And with that, she began to write.

* * *

_Dear Fanfiction Writers, _

_I have already written a rough draft so I can properly word what I want to say to you. Forgive me if my temper leaks out onto these pages, even before I was Tsunade's student, I always had a short-temper. _

_First off, I am so sick and tired of these fanfictions that still make me out to be a useless, fangirl. Please, I have grew out of those days long ago. I'll admit, I was not too proud of my past, but my determination and desire to protect my friends allowed me to become that much stronger. Believe me, training with Tsunade-sama was not easy, but that is for another time. The point is that I am a much different person than what I used to be; hell, I don't even blindly follow Sasuke like I used to. I love him, yes, but I acknowledge all the trouble he has caused us._

_Secondly, I also hate being portrayed as a hot-tempered girl who does nothing but beat up Naruto. Please, I have better things to do than screaming at Naruto and punching him all the time. Yes, he does test my temper a lot, but honestly, he deserves some of those hits coming to him. Other than that, Naruto is my best-friend—brother practically—and I would sacrifice a leg and limb for him. What's even worse is that I end up being portrayed this bitchy, bimbo who is made so that the author's character can look "awesome" and I am just some pesky rival. Please, if you thought it was bad when I punched Naruto, these mystery girls haven't seen nothing yet. Furthermore, who are these added characters that look exactly like me only with a blue-version of my outfit and black or blonde hair? Ugh, at least try to create your own original character._

_Lastly, I am okay with fanfictions that pair either Sasuke and I or hell, even Naruto and I together. They are a bit weird and often corny, but at least I can understand where the authors are coming from (even though Naruto should totally be with Hinata.) However, what I do not like is being paired with people such as Kakashi-sensei, Sasori (or any of the akatsuki ,for that matter), or Madara and his younger brother. First off Kakashi is my teacher and significantly older than I. For me to be paired with him is gross and highly illegal. Sasori is still way older than me and I will never forgive him for treating Chiyo-sama that way. Plus, he is a puppet and that is just disturbing on so many levels. Before I knew the truth about Itachi, if one tried to pair with me with him, I would also reject that. And Madara? Do not even get me started on that one! He is insane and the reason why we are in the war in the first place! Plus, if you want to talk about old…oh man, he fits the bill—being over a century old. Ew. If everyone cannot stand you—including the tailed beasts, from what Naruto tells me—there is something seriously wrong with that person._

_I know I was very….harsh, but I am only doing this to help others write fanfictions better. Continue to write stories and work hard to improve. For those who have written amazing ones, keep on writing! _

_Sincerely, _

_Sakura Haruno_

* * *

**Well that concludes Sakura's letter! I am actually having a lot of fun writing this! This is actually a great exercise for trying to get into character. **


	4. Sincerely, Kakashi Hatake

Sakura read over her letter, checking from spelling and grammatical errors. Once she felt satisfied and she smiled and handed the clipboard back to Natsumi.

"All done Sakura?" Natsumi said, taking the clipboard from her.

"Yes," Sakura replied.

Natsumi read it over. "Well, everything looks good, so you are free to go!" She walked over to the "finished" box and dropped Sakura's letter in there.

"Thank you Natsumi-san." And with that Sakura left the room.

"Alright, next is….Hatake Kakashi!" Natsumi called out.

No response.

"Hatake Kakashi?" Natsumi tried again, only to be met with the same response.

Natsumi growled a bit. "Where is that man? I told him to be here at 10:30! 10:30, and he can't even show up on time? And he calls himself a jounin! He is screwing up my schedule!"

"Um, Natsumi-san? He is just walking in right now," Rock-lee said.

Natsumi turned around to the silver-haired jounin walking. With her hands on her hips, she stalked off towards him.

Kakashi, completely oblivious to Natsumi's irritation, looked up from his book and merely smiled. "Well, hello to you too Natsumi!"

"You are late," Natsumi stated flatly.

"Oh am I? Well, you see I got lost on the road of life and—"

"Yeah, yeah, just get to writing," Natsumi said.

"Very well then," Kakashi replied, feeling slightly miffed by Natsumi's abruptness. He took the clipboard and pen from her and began to write.

* * *

_Dear Fanfiction Authors, _

_Well, I do not even know where to start. I guess I will start off with all the romance stories, since those seem to be the bulk of what is out there. As much as I like a good romance or, I'll admit, erotica story, these stories about me make me utterly disappointed. I know that a lot of you could do so much better. I mean, the plots are even worse than Jiraiya-sama's, and the grammar is equivalent to that of a five-year-old's. Speaking of which, just because I enjoy Icha Icha novels, does not mean I am a perverted creep. I just happen to like more sensual books. I see nothing wrong with that, I am an adult and just because I am a strong shinobi does not mean I am not allowed to have a few quirks. Since we are on the topic of romance stories about me, why am I always paired with my students (or the female versions of them)? That is highly inappropriate and disgusting. I would never look at my students that way because well, they are my students and yes I care for them, but I would never be romantically involved with them. Seriously, I could be stripped of my jounin title and possibly arrested. Furthermore, what is with all these pairings between me and either, Iruka, Gai, Obito, Zabuza, or even my OWN TEACHER? Iruka and I hardly see each other, and after one conversation between us, suddenly you all think we are together. As far as Gai goes, I think a lot of you are taking this eternal rivalry thing too far. And for Obito? I never even thought about him that way, and we could not stand each other until that mission to destroy the Kanabi bridge. Our friendship may have been short-lived, but he changed my life and my aspect on things. Now, I am truly devastated as to how far he has fallen. I could also never understand the Zabuza one because 1)we only fought, nothing else. 2)He is dead. Just like how I said being paired with my students is vastly inappropriate, but it also works the same way when I am paired with Minato, which is just as bad and he was married and in love with Kushina Uzumaki. _

_On another note, I could have sworn I only had three genin on my team not four. Other than that, that is really all that I have to say. Instead of busying yourself with poorly written romance stories, why not write about something more worthwhile? Like my childhood, for an instance. _

_Sincerely, _

_Kakashi Hatake _

* * *

**Kakashi was actually a tough one to do, because I am not a 100% aware of the cliches or mistakes that go on while writing about Kakashi's character. Ah well, I tried. **


	5. Sincerely, Iruka Umino

Kakashi ripped out his letter and folded it, and then gave it to Natsumi. She marked it with the green stamp of approval and dropped it into the finished box.

"Well, now you can have your porn back, Kakashi," Natsumi said, smirking.

"It's not-porn…..it's a sensual story about a woman's journey in finding love," Kakashi protested, defending his beloved_ Icha Icha Tactics _book.

"Sure, Sure…."

Kakashi sighed and took the book from the woman. "Later." And with that he vanished from the spot.

Natsumi shook her head and consulted her list again. "Up next is….Umino Iruka".

A friendly looking young man with a spiked pony tail and distinguished scar across his nose stood up.

"It's my turn, I gather?"

"Yes, here you go," Natsumi said, handing him the clipboard.

"Well, alrighty then!" And with that Iruka began to write his letter.

* * *

_Dear Fanfiction writers of the fandom,_

_It's really nice that a lot of you have taken a liking to this show and have tried writing your own stories on it. I believe that writing is excellent expression of creativity and hobby to have. You know what they say, the pen is mightier than the kunai! However, is has come to my concern that some of your stories are rather….lacking. As a teacher at the academy and having read countless of papers, I cannot stress the importance of grammar and spelling enough. Bluntly speaking, some stories I have read have grammar and spelling so poor that I could not even understand what the story was remotely about. Please, for your own good, fix the structural basis of your writing before attempting a story about us. Now that I have written this, I need to address some more serious issues._

_First off, I will never engage in any romantic relationship with ANY of my students or teachers such as Kakashi. I would be fired and probably arrested if I was ever seen in such a way with my students. Furthermore, the thought of such a relationship is so appalling. Shame on you! For example, Naruto. He is like a younger brother to me and although slightly annoying and I am still trying to get him to wear something stealthier (orange is a big no-no for stealth), I care a lot for the boy. Therefore these stories pairing me with him need to stop. In addition, I hardly speak with Kakashi! I do not know what inspired these pairings. Or Maito Gai! I swear one can only handle so much youthfulness, and I try to avoid him as much as I can._

_Lastly, I am not trying to sound whiny, but where are the stories about me? I am not talking about the lacking romantic fanfictions, I am talking about stores about my life. I went through a tough time as a kid as well, and I have been on some cool missions as well. Plus, just because I am teacher does not mean I am powerless or weak. I am a highly capable chunin and it's sad that my abilities are never elaborated upon. Sure I cannot create a susanoo, but honestly high powered attacks are so overrated. Please try to brush up on your plot writing skills and grammar, and for those who write good stories, well A+ for you!_

_Sincerely,_

_Umino Iruka._


	6. Sincerely, Shikamaru Nara

Iruka re-read his letter a few times over, wondering if he was too harsh. After making a few changes to his letter, feeling satisfied, he handed it over to Natsumi. Natsumi smiled and thanked Iruka for his time before dropping it in the finished the box. Iruka grinned a bit.

"Well, it feels great getting all of that out," Iruka said before leaving to join Naruto at Ichiraku's.

Natsumi consulted the list. "Next up is….Shikamaru Nara!"

No response.

"Shikamaru Nara?" Natsumi called again.

"He is right here, " Ino said, nodding to the sleeping boy leaned back in his chair.

Natsumi sighed. "Thank you Ino". The woman walked over to Shikamaru and rolled her eyes a bit. Of course he would be sleeping at a time like this!

"Shikamaru!" Natsumi yelled into the poor boy's ear.

Shikamaru's eyes slowly opened to an annoyed Natsumi standing next to him. He scowled a bit. Tch, of course this woman had to interrupt his nap. How troublesome….

"Can I help you?" Shikamaru drawled.

"Its your turn to write your letter, and no 'buts', this is important!" Natsumi said, shoving the clipboard in his hands before stalking off.

Shikamaru grumbled, not wanting to waste his time writing something so tedious, but on the other hand, he knew Natsumi would not let him leave until he wrote this letter. With that, he began to write.

* * *

_I do not have time for this,_

_Alright listen up so called fanfiction writers because I am only going to write/say this once. Get a life. No seriously, why is all your energy going into writing mediocre fanfictions? Unless you actually have a decent story or a talented writer, all your poor spelling and unintelligent thought out plots are going to go nowhere. Although I hardly read fanfiction because that seems like too much trouble and it seems like something only Ino would invest time in, I know exactly what you writers write about. First off, I am not always some guy who keeps saying troublesome after every other word nor am I so lazy to the point of being apathetic. Sure, I would rather spend my days playing shogi, but, even though I do not show it as much, I care a lot for my teammates. I would not say "troublesome" if Choiji or Ino's life was danger, god, what kind of moron would do that? In case if all of you were aware-who are supposed to be so well versed with the story- that Sasuke retrieval mission had some changing effects on me. Sure, I still don't care about Sasuke, and I do believe everyone is wasting too much energy on him, but in some ways, I was grateful for that mission. I believe it did change my perspective on things. Also, why are all these stories usually me saving Naruto's ass? Don't get me wrong, I consider that idiot to be my friend, but do you know how tedious it can be to always get him out of hot-water. Man, you tell him one thing, and he veers the other way._

_I do not care about your so called yaoi pairings, just do __**not**__ include me in them, and that would be nice. Lastly, I would not date 99% of the inserted characters if my life depended on it. Most of them sound more troublesome then my mom. Look, if I wanted to date someone like me, I would have dated myself for that matter. Furthermore, I always seemed to be paired with Ino or Temari. Ino may be annoying, but she is more like a sister to me (don't tell her I said that.) And Temari? She is even scarier than my mom, but I do enjoy her company, but in all honesty, I am not settling down anytime soon. Plus, most of you make these stories so corny that it gives me a migraine. Overall, I would rather read a decent story with an intelligent plot because that is how beat most of my enemies; by outsmarting them._

_Sincerely,_

_Nara Shikamaru_


	7. Sincerely, Hinata Hyuuga

Shikamaru set the clipboard down on the table and presumed with his earlier nap. Natsumi walked over and sighed, and picked up the clipboard. Honestly, getting the boy to write the letter was more troublesome than him calling everything troublesome! She ripped out the letter and dropped it in the finished box.

"On the list next is….Hyuuga Hinata!" Natsumi announced.

"Me?" The shy, gentle Hyuuga said softly.

"Yes, you," Natsumi confirmed.

"Oh, but I really don't feel comfortable with writing a letter like this," Hinata said nervously.

"Well, you have to," Natsumi said bluntly.

"But these authors are working so hard and—"

"Hinata, girl, you got to get some sass in you. Deep down, I know you're not happy with every single fanfiction out there," Natsumi said.

"Well…..that is kind of true," Hinata admitted.

"So? What is the big deal? Just think of it this way, your helping some of these authors to improve!" Natsumi said.

"Oh well, when you put that way—"

The poor girl was cut off from Natsumi shoving the clipboard and pen in her hands. With a shaky breath, Hinata began to write.

_Dear Fanfiction Authors, _

_Um, well, I have read quite a bit of your fanfictions and they are all pretty good. I think that a lot of you are talented and creative, so keep doing your best. I am….I am glad, that I am included in your fanfictions, that's…very sweet of all of you. Remember to not give up and keep working hard._

* * *

Kiba Inazuka peered over Hinata's shoulder and quickly read what she was writing. He groaned, of course she would write a letter like that! Seriously, doesn't anything get this girl angry?

"Hinata! Seriously?" Kiba said.

Hinata jumped a bit. "Oh Kiba-kun, you scared me."

Kiba ignored her and snatched the clipboard out her hands.

"H-hey! Kiba-kun, I wasn't finished,"

"Gah, this is the most painful letter I ever read! Your being too nice, again. As your teammate, this stuff won't fly," Kiba said.

"But I do not want to hurt anyone's feelings—"

"Who cares? You never do, and when was the last time you thoroughly expressed yourself?" Kiba demanded.

"Um—"

"Your feelings to Naruto don't count, and if you won't be honest, then you leave me no choice". Kiba began forming a few hand seals. "No-filter no jutsu!"

At that moment, Naruto came strolling in when he saw Kiba perform the jutsu. "Huh, whatcha doing there Kiba?"

"The only thing I could do," Kiba replied gravely.

"Which was?"

"Bringing out the inner-Hinata, whatever that is…."

Naruto snorted. "Pfft, it can't be that bad."

"I wouldn't be too sure," Shino said quietly.

All three of the turned to look at Hinata and gulped at what they saw. Now, there was a new glint in Hinata's eyes. No longer did she have the sweet and demure expression, but something totally opposite. She snatched the clipboard from Kiba's hands and began writing furiously.

* * *

_Alright listen up authors! I know most of the time I am all sweet and nice, and I acknowledge that I prefer to be soft-spoken. However, I may be on the quiet side, but I am not crippled by shyness nor do I stutter that much. Actually, I don't even stutter anymore, so stop writing me with a normal stutter. Furthermore, I have much more of a backbone than what most of you seem to think. Who fought Neji even though she was initially scared? I did. Who organized a mission to help Naruto to attempt to retrieve Sasuke? I did. Who defended Naruto from Pain when everyone else backed down? Granted I failed, but I still did it. I am not some damsel in distress who always needs to be saved, I can kick some ass when I want to! I just don't use fighting as my first mechanism when solving a problem. So please, I don't ask you to make me overpowered, but at least write your stories where I get to help save the day or use my abilities to its fullest. Also stop making me a crybaby, I hardly even cry! _

_Secondly, how come my sister is hardly included in these stories and my dad is always portrayed as some pompous jerk? I love my sister, and although my dad and I had our differences in the past, we have become a lot closer and he respects me a lot more now. Granted, I do not like how I was disowned, but really, he was just thinking of what was best for the clan at that moment. In regards to Neji, I am not scared of him nor dislike him anymore. We are really close now and train a lot together, but that does not mean it's immediately a NejiHina story. We are cousins, I would never marry him. Speaking of pairings let me tell you what I do not like. I don't like being paired with EVERY SINGLE GUY (except Naruto) in the manga. For god's sake! Sasuke is totally not my type, Rock lee- although nice and I respect him- is too much, Kiba and Shino are good friends and teammates—that's about it, and I hardly know Choiji, Shikamaru, Sai, and Gaara. With regards to the akatsuki, why would I want to be paired with them? They killed and harmed my friends, and tried snatching Naruto away many times. So, ugh, just no. Even though I love being paired with Naruto, could you not make me the submissive one all time? Furthermore, I don't spend all my free time stalking Naruto, I actually have a life you know. Plus, I am friends with Sakura, TenTen, and Ino. Especially for Sakura, why do you all write some rivalry between us? I would never scrap with her unless it was absolutely necessary, but other than that, she has been really kind to me, so why would I hate her? Also, I am sick of all of these arranged marriage stories! And stop making me some Mary-Sue character when all you of are too lazy to come up with your own character._

_Sincerely, Hinata Hyuuga. _

* * *

"Dear god, Kiba, what have you done?" Naruto said horrified.

"Well, it looked like she had a lot of pent up feelings," Kiba said, peering over Hinata's shoulder.

"Undue the jutsu Kiba," Shino urged.

"Alright, Alright I will….sheesh, KATSU!" Kiba said.

And with that, Hinata's inner self was repressed and she returned back to normal. Well, she was never internally bitchy, but it seems like Kiba's jutsu has some person-bitchiness inducing properties.

"Ohh man, Hinata is going to freak when she sees what she has written," Naruto said.

* * *

**Hehehehe...I know that was extremely OOC for Hinata but I felt like the girl needed to get a few things off her chest (this was kind of inspired by her road to ninja persona but not as abrasive.) I am still planning my akatsuki one because that was requested. Just remember, these letters are not meant to bash or offend anyone, they are just for fun. **


	8. Sincerely, Kiba Inuzuka

Hinata blinked slowly, as if coming out from a daze. She glanced down at her letter and frowned at how much she written. Since when I write all of this? She thought. That confused expression soon morphed into one of horror as she realized what she written.

"Oh no!" She gasped. "This is so embarrassing."

Natsumi snatched it out of the girl's hand before she could scratch anything out. She smiled with triumph as she read the letter.

"Good work today Hinata," Natsumi commended her.

"No!" Hinata protested. "Please, Natsumi-san, don't publish this."

"No Hinata, what you need to understand is that you need to give people the boot when they are doing things that you do not like," Natsumi stated firmly, then she added. "No, beating some with gentle fist in an actual battle does not count."

Hinata looked down. "Okay, I guess I can't get it back anyways…"

Natsumi grinned. "Not a chance."

"But the funny thing is, I don't remember writing any of that down…."Hinata trailed off.

"Well your such a quick writer since you're a Hyuuga…."Kiba said quickly, he did not want Hinata finding out what he did.

"Well Kiba performed a weird jutsu-"

Kiba quickly clamped his hand over Naruto's mouth to shut the idiot up.

"Hinata must never know…"Kiba hissed.

"Um, Kiba?" Natsumi said.

"Yes?"

"You're up next."

"Aw sweet, I know exactly what I am going to write!" Kiba grabbed the clipboard and pen and began to write

* * *

_Hey friends! _

_I think its pretty cool that some of you dedicate your time to writing stories for this series. Akamaru thinks its pretty cool as well. Also, I am glad that there is considerable amount of stories about me, but there needs to be more good ones! Seriously why do most of you write about Naruto, Sasuke, or even Neji? Naruto, although I consider him to be one of my friends, really isn't all that great. I mean, I would be great too if I kept getting random chakra boosts from the kyuubi. And then we have to put up with him whining about Sasuke all the time. I never even cared about Sasuke in the first place, I just went on the mission to help, but I never want to do anything for Sasuke after he nearly got Akamaru and I killed. Really what is so special about Sasuke? At least Naruto has a likable personality. Sasuke on the other hand is a total prick, thinking he is better than everyone, and is way too vengeance obsessed. As far as Neji goes, I actually have no issues with him anymore after he got his ass kicked. He is actually pretty decent now, but still what is so exciting about that guy? The list goes on, but if you really want to know what is going on in Konoha, I will take you through it all, especially for all of you authors who insist that I am either with Naruto, Shino, or Hinata. The real couple is obviously Naruto and Sasuke. I mean there is always so much sexual tension around those two, and why else would Naruto dedicate three years of his life to bring back someone who doesn't even care about him? Just don't tell Hinata I wrote that, it would crush her heart. And Shino? I like the guy, but even if I swung that way, ugh, all those bugs give me the creeps. Actually the worst one of all would be me paired with Akamaru. Oh god, your all sick! See that, Akamaru just spit on those fanfictions because he is disgusted as well. I am not into bestiality, no freakin way. Plus, I am sure a lot of you have pets and a love them dearly as well, how would you feel if I wrote a story 'shipping' you with them? You would probably be grossed out too._

_Also why do some of you write me as being a cat lover or a neko (whatever the hell that is)? I am from the Inuzuka clan, therefore, I like dogs and as shinobi, we specialize in ninken. Akamaru is my best friend and I would never kick him out for some mangy cat. Furthermore, some of you need to get my personality right. I am not a player. I am not some flirtatious guy that hits on any girl (or crappy OC) that he sees. Please, I was raised by my sister and mother (who is way scarier than Shikamaru's mom), so obviously I have the upmost respect for women and I would treat them well. _

_Sincerely, _

_Inuzuka Kiba. _

_P.s: here are the true couples _

_Sasuke and Naruto_

_Ino and Sai_

_Shikamaru and Temari_

_Tenten and Neji_

_Rock-lee and Sakura (more likely….) _

_And I am sure that something is going on between Genma and Shizune._

_Also Anko told me that Iruka and Kakashi have a thing…._

_Don't tell anyone I told you this_


	9. Sincerely, Uzumaki Mito and Kushina

**Thank you for all the reviews so far! They have been really encouraging! I changed the order around because I noticed that some were being requested more so than others. This one in particular, along with the Akatsuki. The letters will come out in the following: **

**-Akatsuki (Nagato/Pain will be first, then Itachi,...and then the others.)**

**-Madara and then Hashirama (because a HashiMada rant was requested)**

**-Then Shino (poor guy, always getting shafted.) **

**Yes, more OOCness from Hinata, but I could not resist xD**

* * *

"There." Kiba said. "Done."

Natsumi walked over and took the clipboard from Kiba, and dropped his letter in the finished box.

"Thank you Kiba, you are free to go."

Kiba grinned. "Great! Come on, lets go and train Akamaru."

A large white dog barked happily in response and followed his friend out the door. However, the two were stopped by a certain Hyuuga.

"Hey Hinata….do you want to join us or something?"

"That would sound nice," Hinata smiled softly.

"Cool, so—"

The boy was immediately cut off by Hinata pulling his head down to her level. Still smiling sweetly, she left Kiba confused.

"Huh, Hinata what are—"

"I know what you did to me earlier," She whispered, "You know, my Byakugan can see all. It even knows where you live…so just be EXTRA careful, Kiba-kun."

Kiba gulped. "I always knew you had a dark side, Hinata."

"Yes, and it shouldn't be provoked," Hinata said quietly before smiling brightly again. "So let's go and train Kiba-kun."

"No, Naruto…Shino, don't leave me alone with her." Kiba said.

"Have fun Hinata! Kick his ass!" Naruto called out, completely oblivious to Kiba's distress.

"Thanks Naruto-kun," Hinata replied. And with that, she and Kiba left.

"Well, that was strange…" Natsumi frowned. "Anyways, unfortunately, Shino was supposed to be next but…"

"But what?" Shino asked.

"But there has been a few changes and actually next is Uzumaki Kushina and Uzumaki Mito-san," Natsumi announced.

"Kaa-san?! Alright!" Naruto cheered before glancing at Shino. "Huh? Shino…what is up with you?"

"Of course I would be shafted. Why? It's because I am often forgotten by the fans, just like how Naruto forgets who I am…"

Naruto groaned. "You still are sulking about that?"

Shino sniffed. "You should remember your comrades' faces."

"But you keep yours covered, you know!" Naruto shot back.

"I am sorry Shino, but we got requests for the next ones coming up….so high demand, high demand, right?" Natsumi shrugged.

Two very pretty red-haired women walked into the room. One was dressed in a regal white kimono with the Uzumaki symbol on the obi and had a very dignified air to her. The other one was wearing a yellow shirt with a dark green dress over it and wore a cheerful smile.

"Ah, Kushina and Mito-san, so glad you could make it! Here is the clipboard and pen, try not to take too long okay?" Natsumi said.

Both women shrugged and took the tools from Natsumi.

Kushina began to write immediately as she took the clipboard and pen.

* * *

_Dearest Fanfiction Authors, _

_I must say, I am surprised that there are quite a few stories about me, considering that I really only showed up in one part of the series. For the most part, the stories have been decent, however, I really do not appreciate these incest stories or being paired with people that much younger. I only love Minato, and who are these extra siblings that Naruto has? I did not cheat on Minato…as Naruto was my first born, and neither did Minato cheat on me! Furthermore, I have been doing some other reading, and I am very concerned about these stories involving my son. As a mother, its very natural for me to feel protective, and I am sure that a lot of your parents would be extremely disappointed if they found out what kind of stories you were writing. Granted, I died just when my son was born, but in no hells way will any son of mine engage in explicit behaviour. This sort of dirty writing is very appalling. I am sure that Mikoto would not approve the stories about Sasuke or Itachi either. Most of you are lucky that I somewhat outgrew my "Red hot Habanero" days. _

_Sincerely, _

_Uzumaki Kushina. _

"Done!" Kushina said.

"Good, you are free to go Kushina," Natsumi said, dropping Kushina's letter in the box. "Your turn Mito-san."

Mito nodded and began to write.

* * *

_Dear Fanfiction Authors, _

_I never even heard of this website called fanfiction until Natsumi brought it to my attention. After reading some of these stories, I must be frank, the younger generation is….differently minded. Some of the grammar was appalling and gave my scholarly mind nightmares. Most of the plots made no sense at all and I do not appreciate being paired with my descendants or Madara. For the former, I am too old to even meet my descendants, and such behaviour is repulsive. For the latter, Madara and I were never on friendly terms with each other. I have no respect for the man, and the most interaction we ever had with each other was engaging in short political discussions. The only man I ever respected and loved was Hashirama, and I have always been a dutiful and loyal wife to him. Furthermore, I do not appreciate being resurrected or reanimated; was is dead should stay dead, and I do not believe in tampering with life. Nor do I believe in time-travel techniques, for the past should stay in the past, and the present should not tamper with the past….unless the situation is dire. _

_I know that there is not a lot of fanfiction stories on me, but for those that are written, I would appreciate it if I was not portrayed as a frail and weak woman. For those of you who are not aware, I was one of the most powerful kuinochis of my time. Why, I was able to seal the entire form of the Kyuubi within myself with no assistance. I shall have you know that I have been able to emaciate men with nothing more than my hairpins. Just ask Madara what happened the last time he tried to cross Hashirama and I. All and all, it would be nice to read a story that actually tries to delve into the past and the struggles our clans faced._

_Sincerely, _

_Uzumaki Mito. _


	10. Sincerely, Pein (Nagato)

Mito finished up the final touches to her letter and gently set the clipboard down after cleanly ripping the paper out of it. She daintily folded the paper into a perfect square and handed it to Natsumi.

"Thank you for your time, Mito-san, you are free to go." Natsumi said.

Mito nodded. "No, thank you," And she followed Kushina out the building.

"Alright next is Aburame—"

"Actually," Natsumi's orange-haired assistant, Hisa, interrupted. "There as been a slight change…."

"Again?! Why does everyone keep messing with my schedule?" Natsumi grumbled.

Hisa shrugged. "Some are more requested than others, and clearly, people want an Akatsuki appearance."

Natsumi sniffed. "I really don't get why the fandom finds a bunch of homicidal men so hot."

Hisa raised an eyebrow. "Weren't you the one who liked Sasori?"

Natsumi turned a light shade of pink. "Liked as a CHARACTER, not as in wanting to marry him."

"Sure, sure, sure…." Hisa smirked.

"Ahem," Natsumi cleared her throat, hoping to change topics. "Who is next, in Akatsuki terms?"

"Well, I decided that it would make sense for Pein, aka. Nagato to go first, since he kind of is the leader sans Tobi/Madara," Hisa replied.

"Well bring him in."

A tall, orange haired man with multiple piercings and rods embedded within his skin walked in. His light purple rippled-rinnigan eyes gazed impassively around the room. This was the deva path, Pein, one of Nagato's substitute bodies.

"Erm—"

Before Hisa could finish her sentence, Pein placed a letter in her hands.

"What is this?" Hisa asked.

"I have already written my letter," Nagato explained.

"Already?"

Nagato nodded. "Yes, I wrote it in Amegakure a few days after I got your invitation to this 'meeting'. Upon this invitation, I decided to look more into this fanfiction and long story short, I regretted it whole heartedly."

Natsumi and Hisa nodded sympathetically.

"Well thank you for your time Nag—Pein," Natsumi said.

"It had to be done." And with that, the deva path walked out the building.

"I am curious as to what he wrote…." Natsumi murmured, opening the letter.

She and Hisa began to read.

* * *

_Dear Fanfiction Authors, _

_These frivolous and poorly written stories need to stop at this very instant, more specifically, the ones about the Akatsuki. I will not stand for the organization—that Yahiko, Konan, and I formed—be reduced something so lowly/by product of dull, teenage brains. This organization was formed for the sole purpose of obtaining world peace, not for your hormonal fantasies. This is a disgrace to Yahiko and all of the previous members' memory! The members that I have recruited are all ruthless and efficient, s-rank missing ninja, not love struck idiots. Furthermore, I do not recall recruiting or allowing any pathetic rainbow haired kuinochi into our organization. For such characters, its impossible that they could be jinchuurki because there is only nine bijuu and they have all been sealed away, sans Kyuubi and Haachibi. Even if this supposed jinchuurki was to encounter us, we would extract the tailed beast right away and therefore killing her. On a side note, I would never waste extra resources to house some whiny maid. Why would the Akatsuki need servants or maids? We are travelling all the time, therefore we would have no use for extra baggage, and often these maids are very troublesome. _

_I will also have you know that none of the Akatsuki members have any bastard children. Sex is extremely prohibited among the members and its dangerous to have family within a missing-nin organization. Therefore, I highly doubt that your poorly devised characters are my daughter or any of the members' daughter/sibling. Furthermore, I have never killed anyone without a reason nor would I sexually assault some random girl, such behaviour is repulsive. _

_Lastly, these disturbing stories known as "Akatsuki-cat" fanfictions need to stop. Being transformed into feline creatures is not 'cute', its humiliating and disturbing. I am tired of reading stories where we become cats and are thrown into some annoying girl's house and forced to comply with the smutty fantasies of the author. There is so much wrong with those stories, I can't even write them all out. Please learn how to write a decent and ACCURATE Akatsuki fanfiction or a decent fanfiction about Yahiko, Konan, and I. _

_Sincerely, _

_Uzumaki Nagato aka. Pein_


	11. Sincerely, Itachi Uchiha

"Well, he was efficient," Hisa remarked.

"Well what did you expect? He was the leader of the Akatsuki, and managing all of those members with an even crazier leader behind the scenes? He had to be," Natsumi said.

"True that," Hisa agreed.

"Would you do the honours and tell us who is next, Hisa?"

"Most certainly. Up next we have Uchiha Itachi!" Hisa exclaimed.

A cacophony of the screams of teenage girls and women could be heard outside.

"What was that?" Hisa frowned.

"Fangirls. You'll get used to it…earlier, I just had to fight off Sasuke's, Kakashi's, Naruto's, and Shikamaru's fanclubs." Natsumi explained.

"Oh," Hisa said, sounding a bit apprehensive.

"Don't worry, this building is fangirl proof, so we SHOULD be safe.." Natsumi reassured her assistant. "Now then, Uchiha Itachi!"

A somewhat tall man (and a rather good looking one) with long black hair and blazing sharigan eyes stood up and walked towards the duo.

"I am here," He said quietly.

"Good, you showed up…your actually more compliant than your brother," Natsumi mused. "Here is the clipboard and pen, and just write until your hearts content!"

Itachi nodded. "Thank you." And thus, he began to write.

* * *

_Dear fanfiction authors, _

_I probably will not touch upon too much on general Akatsuki stories because I am sure that Pein already wrote about them. For the longest time, I have decided to remain quiet and apathetic towards these so called fanfictions, but a recent story about me falling for the female version of the Uzumaki kid inspired me to write this letter. It is time that I address the multitude of issues found in stories about me or consists of me. _

_First of all I am not an anti-social jerk nor am I an overly nice, friendly guy. I do not beat up strangers just for the hell of it or to prove my "badassery" as many of you like to call it. I try not to fight people when I can. I would also not treat some random girl as my younger sister nor would I date her on the whim. In case if you haven't noticed, I am classified as a missing nin. Not only do I have no time for romance, but its also highly dangerous. I would not put anyone through the life of criminal shinobi nor would I so carelessly get a girl pregnant. So please, stop claiming I am the father of your children. As I have stated before, s-rank nin really have no paths or futures. In all honesty though, if a new member was to be added, particularly a red-haired girl with a rainbow dojutsu that you authors seem to adore so much (would that even legitimately exist? I think not), I would probably not even pay attention to her. I do not even know why the lot of you want to even join the Akatsuki, its not that great. I only did it for Konoha. Speaking of Konoha, the only people who know what really went down with the Uchiha massacre is the Council, Danzo, and Sandiame-sama. This is does not include any other random shinobi or so called best friends. _

_Also, who are these girls claiming to be Uchihas or more specifically, my younger sister(s)? Let me make something very clear to you, I killed EVERYONE (except for Sasuke, and only Sasuke) the night of the massacre. Therefore, there could be no other natural inheritors of the sharingan alive and besides, Danzo only allowed for me to spare one person. Secondly, I am pretty sure my mother and father did not have a third child. It is already difficult keeping tabs on Sasuke and making sure he doesn't do anything ludicrous; I would rather not deal with another sibling, thank you very much. Furthermore, these romance stories between Sasuke and I need to stop. Such stories are rather disgusting and I know that there is a lot of marriages between cousins in the Uchiha clan, but this sort of incest is taking it way too far. And since we are on the topic, let me address my dislike for the following pairings: _

_Kisame and I are partners, and nothing more. _

_I have only met Kakashi and Sakura once, therefore this one boggled me. _

_Naruto is someone that I entrusted to keep Sasuke safe when I am dead, and something just seems totally wrong about this one. Plus, some of you seem to think that I support Sasuke and Naruto being together. While I am not one to condemn or stop Sasuke if he had those sort of….preferences, but biologically, it has not been proven for two males to have kids together. _

_Madara….no, just no. _

_For a fandom that claims to know so much about me, your stories really miss the mark. Please look further into your ideas before publishing them. _

_Sincerely, _

_Uchiha Itachi _

_P.S. Stop changing my gender to satisfy your "logic" with certain pairings. Just because I have long hair, does not mean I am a feminine man. I have nothing against women but I would rather not be one, thank you very much. _


	12. Sincerely, Kisame Hoshigaki

**Ahh, thank you so much for the reviews! They are really encouraging and I am so happy that so far people seem to like this. Poor, Shino...still getting drafted. **

**This will be the order (Akatsuki wise) **

**-Kisame **

**-Deidara**

**- Sasori**

**- Hidan**

**- Kakuzu **

**-Zetsu **

**- Konan **

* * *

"I am finished," Itachi said.

"Good, good, well, you're free to go!"Natsumi replied. She took the clipboard from Itachi and ripped out his letter, dropping it in the finished box.

"Thank you." Itachi said before leaving.

"Ah, such a role model kid," Natsumi said fondly. "Up next we have Hoshigaki Kisame!"

A tall, built man with light blue skin and a shark-ish look to him stood up and went to retrieve the clipboard from Natsumi.

"Thank you for showing up Kisame, you were probably the least difficult about doing this," Natsumi said.

"Oh no, I wanted to come, there are many issues I need to address," He said pleasantly, but his shark like grin just killed that tone.

Natsumi and Hisa both shuddered a bit.

"Your enthusiasm is great!" Hisa said.

Kisame looked at both of them questionably before slowly backing away from the duo. Once he felt safe from Natsumi's critical and watching eye, he began to write.

* * *

_Dear Fanfiction Authors, _

_My, my, my, don't you all have rather over-active imaginations? I so dearly appreciate how I am often neglected from your stories because I am "ugly" or unimportant. First of all, I may not be conventionally attractive, but I see that as poor excuse from including me in some stories. You all seem to love including Hidan and Deidara in your little fanfics, but honestly, those guys are so weak. I may not be a flashy fighter, but I guarantee you , you do not want me on your bad side; I am plenty strong. Plus, I am one of the last members to be killed off, and not only that, I was defeated by MYSELF. Hmph, most of the members you so dearly loved were defeated by old women and teenage shinobi with too much angst and hormones. _

_Itachi is a partner and nothing more, so please stop writing these sick fanfics about us with "unresolved sexual tension". Just because we work extremely well together does not mean we are together nor am I his "bitch". Please, I have more dignity than that to spend my whole time following him around like a dog. I'll admit, he is more powerful than me, and the reason why we work so well together is because 1) I can actually trust him 2) he is kind of the voice of reason during missions. When you look at it, we were really the most functioning duo out of all of the Akatsuki duos. Hidan and Kakuzu want to kill each other all the time, and Deidara get's himself blown up and Sasori was feeling semimetal when he died. _

_I am not saying that you need to include me in all your stories, but try to write a respectful story either about me or consists of me instead of these poor depictions of me. _

_Sincerely, _

_Hoshigaki Kisame _

_P.S. I still eat fish, I know shocker right? My mom was__** not**__ gold fish, you ignorant little girls. _


	13. Sincerely, Deidara

Kisame ripped out the letter and passed the clipboard back to Natsumi.

"All done Kisame?"

"Yes, I am, and it feels good to finally be heard," Kisame replied.

Natsumi smiled a bit. "Well, I am glad to hear that, you are free to go…if you want."

"Is the rest of the Akatsuki coming?"

"Yeah why?"

A funny look spread across Kisame's face. "Then I will be leaving then."

"Oh? Okay then, you can do whatever you want…" Natsumi said.

"Ah, but before I go…make sure to give them all these cards." Kisame said, placing a small stack in Natsumi's hands.

Natsumi frowned. "Why?"

"Just do it," Kisame replied before heading out the door.

Natsumi shrugged. "I guess I see no harm in this…"

Hisa picked up a card and read it.

"What does it say?" Natsumi asked.

"I was the last one to be killed off, it officially means I am the most awesome." Hisa read out.

Natsumi rolled her eyes. "How mature…" She muttered. "Who is next on the list?"

"Deidara….wait does he even have a last name?" Hisa wondered.

"Who knows? Many of the other characters don't , such as TenTen…I think, anyways can Deidara please come up?" Natsumi said.

A man with long, blonde hair and a terminator style monocle stood up. "I am here, un."

"Here you go Deidara, write your letter on this clipboard." Natsumi instructed. "Just try not to blow it up for your little art projects."

"I will try to refrain," Deidara said sarcastically.

* * *

_Dear fanfiction authors, _

_I don't even know where to start! Your stories are probably the most uninspired, unoriginal, and most of all, inartistic stories ever. Growing up, I was never a fan of reading, but you guys just reminded me why, yeah! First of all, I am not a girl, so stop changing my gender and making me the akatsuki whore. Its perfectly normal for a man to have long hair; you try finding someone to cut your hair while your travelling all the time, doing s-rank missions! Besides my hair (which is more beautiful (in a manly way) than all of yours), the rest of me looks pretty masculine. Speaking of pairings, whether I am a girl or boy, I would not want to be paired with anyone in the Akatsuki (I think I would rather blow myself up again.) Hidan is a prick and I did not feel sorry at all when he was reported "dead". Kisame can be scary as fuck, and I fucking hate Itachi. I swear, I don't know what half of you see in that dull, anti-social, arrogant jerk. The Sharingan is so overrated, and worse than Itachi would have to be his whiny little brother, Sasuke. Damn, I hate that kid, and for the record, he did not defeat me. I chose to go out with an artistic bang and that blast would have killed him if he did not pull jutsu out of his ass at the last moment. And Sasori? I respect the man, and our debates are entertaining, but our views on art are totally different and he lost some major points for losing to pinky and that old hag. So stop pairing us together! _

_Now, I do not know why some of you are convinced that I am this friendly, big-brother type figure. I am not. I blow shit up and I enjoy it. I would not act love struck over some girl who I just met and even though she claims to be artistic, these "inserted members" know squat about true art. Trying to take these girls under my wing is way too troublesome, and if she can't protect herself from Hidan then really, she shouldn't be a member. Hell, the only female member (actually the only member) who I can tolerate and does not bother me would be Konan. Also stop hating on me because I am "so mean to Tobi". You would be too if you had to spend time with that little bitch. _

_Furthermore, I do not have any siblings, and even if I did, I probably wouldn't even care! Let them fend for themselves! Actually, wait…that sounded a bit harsh, but still, at least make these siblings actually believable. And the akatsuki is not fun and games like all of you seem to think it is. We don't prank each other or have pillow fights, we kill other shinobi who stand in our way and capture bijuu. Although I never wanted to join it, we are fucking ruthless criminals. Get that through your thick skulls! _

_Art is a bang and it shall always be that way. _

_Sincerely, _

_Deidara. _


	14. Sincerely, Sasori

**Hehehe, I was feeling rather productive today, so here is another chapter from everyone's favourite! **

**He was so beautiful ;-; **

**Ahem…..**

* * *

"I am done, hn," Deidara announced.

"Eh? Good for you…" Hisa muttered, for Deidara got on her nerves in only fifteen minutes.

Deidara narrowed his eyes.

"Hehehe, she meant that we are glad you finished so quickly!" Natsumi said hastily, laughing nervously.

"No I did—"

Natsumi cut off Hisa by shoving a hand over her mouth. "Shut Up Hisa, we do not want to piss him off or he might blow up this building. We cannot rebuild it…at least until Hashirama comes, but that would give a lot of time for the fangirls to break in."

Hisa gulped and nodded.

"Oi, are you two done over there?" Deidara said impatiently.

"Of course! I will take that and you can be on your way." Hisa said, grabbing the clipboard from Deidara.

"Man, and people say I am the weird one…" He said before walking away.

Natsumi chose to ignore that jab and proceeded to call out the next name.

"Sasori!" Natsumi glanced around. "Oh there you—oh for the love of god, get out of that damn puppet, how the hell are you supposed write?"

Sasori reluctantly stepped out of his beloved Hiruko.

"Hmph, I don't have time to write letter for petty brats," Sasori said.

"Just do it."

Sasori sighed (Wait can puppets sigh? Ah, who cares…nothing really makes sense anyways) and began to write.

* * *

_I really hope this won't take too long, so let's forget the formalities all together. _

_ I have come to realize that I happen to really popular within this fandom and this site. Personally, I never cared about popularity; fame really does seem troublesome and after being forced to read some stories on this site, I understand why. I acknowledge writing, books, literature, and poetry as forms of art, and it really displeases me to see how you kids seem to butcher it. The plots, grammar, and spelling (just to name a few) are so appalling, it seems like some of you of have the mindset of a toddler. Pitiful, and the "latest akatsuki" members claim to be cultured and love art, that is nonsense right there. I do not have the patience for a good three-quarters of these female members. I think it sounds more realistic where I end up poisoning them and then adding them to my collection, actually no, they are not even worthy for my collection. _

_Although I don't generally respect women and I think they are a nuisance, it does not mean that I am in a relationship with Deidara. We do work somewhat well together, I'll admit, but he is certainly not an equal in my eyes. He is a kid and I am an adult, there is a significant age gap between us (plus, I don't even have those preferences.) It also seems like a lot of you have amused yourselves with these so called pairings between me and that pink-haired kid. I will acknowledge her talent and strength, but I am not a pedophile nor do I have any interest in her (I think I will leave the pedophilia to Orochimaru.) So stop with these shallow pairings that clearly aren't implied in the canon. Since we are on the topic of "romance", I can not have kids (not that I would even want any), for I am a puppet. Stop claiming that I am the father of your kids and I will not magically change into a human again just for your sexual desires. Disgusting. _

_Stop giving me emotions; I worked very hard to get rid of them. _

_Sincerely, _

_Sasori no Akasuna _


	15. Sincerely, Hidan

"Can I go now?" Sasori asked with a bored tone.

Natsumi took the clipboard from him and checked it over.

"Well it looks like you are done….so yeah, you can leave," Natsumi said.

Sasori said nothing and hopped back into the Hiruko puppet, and left the room.

"We are mostly finished with the Akatsuki…thank god for that, so who is next Hisa?" Natsumi asked.

Hisa scanned the list and scowled a bit at the name she stopped at.

"You got to be joking me…."

"Who is it?"

"Hidan," Hisa deadpanned.

"So?"

"But its Hidan! He is such a—"

"Such a what?" A voice said from behind the two girls.

"Nothing, but a devoted, religious guy!" Natsumi said, nervously eyeing Hidan's scythe.

"Yes, yes I am." Hidan nodded.

"Yes! So if you could start writing your letter, that would be great!" Natsumi shoved the clipboard into his hands.

Hidan shrugged and began to write.

* * *

_Alright, listen up you sons of bitches,_

_I never liked reading, but these girly fanfictions make me hate it even more. Shit, even I could write a better story than the ones I have read, and I have no desire whatsoever for writing! First of all, I'll proudly admit that I swear a lot, but that does not mean every other word coming out of my mouth is some obscenity. That would be overkill, dontcha think? Secondly, I am not super smart or anything, but by no means does that mean I am stupid! I can figure shit out without Kakuzu, and speaking of Kakuzu, I hate his fucking guts. For some reason, you idiots seem to think that there is unresolved sexual tension between us. Seriously, I would not screw him nor any of the Akatsuki members. Seriously, get that notion out of your heads. _

_What I hate more than being paired up with the Akatsuki members is these newly recruited members that you authors so THOUGHTFULLY added in. You all seem to think that I would either act as a big brother (ugh, don't make me gag) or spend the whole time trying to get into her pants (please, I have a bit more class than that.) In fact, I am going to bluntly say this; I would probably not treat him/her with any more respect then our leader. Also can't anyone think of a better plot than Akane joins the akatsuki, who will she fall in love with? Fuck no. It sure as hell ain't going to me, and can't anyone else think of a better plot? Shit, I got a new one for all of you…Hidan decides to sacrifice all these akatsuki maids and Akanes to Jashin, and Hidan was very pleased. I can guartanee you that would be better than a good chunk of the crap you authors write. _

_Sincerely, _

_Hidan._


	16. Sincerely, Kakuzu

**I know this one is very short, but to be quite honest, I am not 100% aware of the cliches that go on with Kakuzu fanfics. Plus, he seems like a guy who is very to the point. **

**Wow, you guys are seriously awesome! Thank you so much for all the reviews so far. :) I will do my best to comply with your requests. So far, I need to finish up the Akatsuki portion and Madara, Izuna, Hashirama, and Tobirama's letters. After them will be Hanabi and Neji (as requested) plus Danzo, Shino, and etc. **

* * *

"You almost done?" Natsumi asked.

"Yeah, I am done," Hidan said, tossing her the clipboard.

Natsumi caught it and ripped out the letter, and placed it in the finished box.

"Okay, you can go now," Natsumi said, already ushering Hidan out the door.

"Whoa, whoa…what is the big rush bit—"

Natsumi glared at him. "I dare you to finish that sentence."

Hidan scowled, knowing very well of the power that this woman had in this fanfiction. "Fine, what is the big fucking deal? You seem pretty eager to get rid of me."

"No, no, its just that…we are running behind schedule, besides don't you have some Jashin ritual to get to?"

"Your right, I do…well, bye!" Hidan walked out, dangerously displaying his scythe.

Once Hidan was out of hearing range, Hisa raised an eyebrow at Natsumi. "Why in such a rush to get rid of him?"

Natsumi groaned. "Its because Kakuzu should be coming any moment now and I am so not in the mood for them to tear the room apart trying to kill each other. I mean, we are guaranteed to get that when Madara and Hashirama show up….well more so Madara, but STILL."

Hisa nodded gravely. "Understood."

As if on cue, a tall, dark skinned man with an akatsuki cloak and white cloth covering most of his face, only exposing his eyes (which were green with greyish sclera), walked in.

He said nothing and took the clipboard from Natsumi's hands, who was too stunned to protest, and began to write.

* * *

_Dear Fanfictions Authors, _

_Greedy? Obsessed with money? _ _Murderous and ruthless, with a short temper? Calculating? Well, you definitely got my character right, I will give you that. I think I would rather be trying to sell whatever new recruit's head to a bounty officer than falling involve with her (or him, in some cases.) Still, could you spare me of the sight of watching my fellow co-workers acting like morons? As much as I cannot stand Hidan, he would never fall in love or act like a weak, love struck fool. Period. Neither would I for that fact, and if you try to write anything otherwise, I will rip your hearts out. _

_Sincerely, _

_Kakuzu_


	17. Sincerely, Zetsu

Note: the bolded part is the dark half of Zetsu speaking

* * *

After Kakuzu was finished writing his letter, he tore it out and handed it over to Natsumi.

Natsumi read over it. "That's it? Don't you want to write more?"

"No, usually a death threat from me is enough…" Kakuzu said.

"True that, and by the way, you are now fifth on our list for people no one should want to scrap with or get on your bad side," Natsumi informed him.

"Oh….well, who is before me?"

"Erm…..that is confidental," Natsumi shrugged.

"Whatever." Kakuzu stood up and left.

Natsumi turned back to her list. "Next up is Zetsu!"

"Ooooh finally!" The white half gushed gleefully.

"What a….drag," the dark half sighed.

"Okay you two, put in your best effort!" Natsumi said.

And with that, Zetsu began to write.

* * *

_Dear Fanfiction writers, _

_Hehehe, I really like being in your fanfics, it makes me feel so loved! You know its so hard to get that from Madara, Obito, and my black half…what a shame. _

_**Shut up you fool, these fanfics about us are rather atrocious. Even though I never went to school or been educated, I feel as though I could write better than that. Since when was the last time we had a daughter? **_

_Your right, I don't even think it's possible for us to procreate, and if we had a kid, we would probably just eat it or something. Wait, why do we even eat people? _

_**Who knows? Its just our genetic makeup, I suppose. Besides, we are often neglected from fanfics for being abnormal, and if we are included we are either Tobi's servant or related to vegetables…do the lot of you even read the canon?**_

_Yeah, what a shame… I think we are pretty cool. Its like these authors ignore the canon and write out their own sick fantasies. _

_Sincerely, _

_Both zetsus. _


	18. Sincerely, Konan

Zetsu finished and handed Natsumi his letter.

Natsumi read it over, her eyebrows furrowing, giving her a puzzled look.

"What's wrong with it?" the white half asked pleasantly.

"I am not redoing it," the black half growled.

"Um, nothing is wrong….just that…its…you know…you know what? Never mind, its fine." Natsumi sighed.

"Good," the black half said.

"Yes, splendid! Mind you, I am getting hungry!" The white half whined.

Natsumi sweat dropped. "Oh gee, look at that, your time is up! Time to leave, there is plenty of delicious food out there, yup there sure is!"

On cue, Hisa immediately pushed Zetsu out the door and locked it. "Thank you for your time!"

"That was close," Natsumi deadpanned.

"Yes, it should be wise of us in the future to not invite potentially cannibalistic characters for these things," Hisa agreed.

"True that."

"Next on the list then, its….Konan!"

A pretty blue haired woman with an origami rose on her head walked up and took the clipboard from Natsumi. Quietly, she began to write.

_Dear Fanfiction Authors, _

_It disappoints me how many of you misrepresent the akatsuki and I. First of all, the akatsuki was made on the foundation of Yahiko, Nagato's, and my dream. Granted, I was not happy with following Madara or the new members that joined, but sometimes you have to take a different path to achieve the end goal. However, I rather follow Madara then put up with these so called rainbow eyed recruits. Honestly, since I do the recruiting (with Nagato's final approval of course), we look for efficient and ruthless s-class missing nin, not whiny women claiming to be all powerful and host a bijuu in their bodies. Last time I checked we captured most of the bijuu and the only two left are hosted by Uzumaki Naruto and Killer Bee. There is simply no such thing as a sixteen tailed panda, how absurd. Besides, if these recruits were really so brilliant as they claimed, why are they so easily kidnapped by Kisame and Itachi? Knowing that Itachi and Kisame have good judgement, they would probably drop the recruit instead of taking her back. _

_Furthermore, I don't know why all of you are convinced that I am automatically happy when a female is brought to our group. Being the only woman in the akatsuki hasn't bothered me before, and it certainly doesn't bother me now. Its not in my nature to immediately act "maternal" towards this girl, I simply do not care. Worse is when I have to behave like a jealous bitch who has nothing better to do than whine about the new recruit, look bad, and kiss the floor that Nagato/Deva path walks on. Look, I love Nagato, but I don't worship him…I am just very protective of him, he is all that I have left. We have a very mutual respect for each other. _

_Please make your stories more accurate, most of them are kind of pitiful, _

_Sincerely, _

_Konan_


End file.
